PECANS IN THE CEMETERY


On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just
inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat
down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several
dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he
thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate.
Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just
around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe wha t I heard! Satan and
the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.'

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When
the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one
for me.'

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if
we can see the Lord.'

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to
see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the
fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get
those nuts by the fence and we'll be done.'

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid
on the bike.

SMILE, God Loves You!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head;
he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the
hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.



The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.

This continued off and on for several weeks.



Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is

and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'



The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:

'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep.

Can I come with him tomorrow?'

A mouse looked through the

crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package.

"What food might this contain?" The mouse wondered -

he was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.

Retreating to the farmyard,

the mouse proclaimed the

warning.

"There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap

in the house!"

The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and

said, "Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you

but it is of no consequence to me.

I cannot be bothered by it."

The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a

mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"

The pig sympathized, but said,

"I am so very sorry, Mr. Mouse,

but there is nothing I can do about it but pray.

Be assured you are in my prayers."

The mouse turned to the cow and said, "There is a

mousetrap in the house!

There is a mousetrap in the house!"

The cow said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse.

I'm sorry for you,

but it's no skin off my nose."

So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected,

to face the farmer's mousetrap-- alone.

That very night a sound was heard throughout the house --

like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey.

The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In the

darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake

whose tail the trap had caught.

The snake bit the farmer's wife.

The farmer rushed her

to the hospital and she returned home with a fever.

Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup,

so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's

main ingredient.

But his wife's sickness continued,

so friends and neighbors came

to sit with her around the clock.

To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.

The farmer's wife did not get well; she died.

So many people came

for her funeral, the farmer

had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them.

The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness.

So, the next time you hear someone is facing a problem and think it doesn't concern you,

remember --

when one of us is threatened,

we are all at risk.

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always

died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about

11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it

had something to do with the supernatural. No one

could solve the mystery as to why the deaths

occurred around 11:00 AM Sunday, so a worldwide

team of experts was assembled to investigate the

cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning,

a few minutes before 11:00 AM all of the doctors

and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see

for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was

all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer

books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil

spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson,

the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward

and unplugged the life support system so he could

use the vacuum cleaner.

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the

Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00.

At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively

saved animals were being released back into the wild

amid cheers and applause from onlookers.

A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate

them both.

A woman came home to find her husband in the

kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy,

with some kind of wire running from his waist towards

the electric kettle.

Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current,

she whacked him with a handy plank of wood,

breaking his arm in two places.

Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to

his Walkman.

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the

cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn ,

Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke

loose and escaped through a broken fence,

stampeding madly.

The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage

on a letter bomb. It came back with 'Return to Sender'

stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it

and was blown to bits.

God is Good!

A Cherokee Legend

Do you know the legend of the Cherokee Indian
youth's rite of passage?

His father takes him into the forest, blindfolds
him and leaves him

alone. He is required to sit on a stump the whole
night and not remove

the blindfold until the rays of the morning sun
shine through it. He

cannot cry out for help to anyone. Once he
survives the night, he is a MAN.
He cannot tell the other boys of this experience,
because each lad must

> > > come into manhood on his own. The boy is
> naturally terrified. He can
> >
> > > hear all kinds of noises.. Wild beasts must
> surely be all around him.
> >
> > > Maybe even some human might do him harm. The wind
> blew the grass and
> >
> > > earth, and shook his stump, but he sat stoically,
> never removing the
> >
> > > blindfold. It would be the only way he could
> become a man!
> >
> > >
> >
> > > Finally, after a horrific night the sun appeared
> and he removed his
> >
> > > blindfold.
> >
> > >
> >
> > > It was then that he discovered his father sitting
> on the stump next to
> >
> > > him. He had been at watch the entire night,
> protecting his son from
> >
> > > harm.

Don't talk to my parrot .


Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, 'I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a cheque. Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you.'



'But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!

'I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!'

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,

'Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!'


To which the parrot replied,

'Get him Spike!'

See - Men just don't listen!

~DEATH~
WHAT A WONDERFUL WAY TO EXPLAIN IT .


A sick man turned to his doctor as he was preparing to


Leave the examination room and said,


'Doctor, I am afraid to die.



Tell me what lies on the other side.'


Very quietly, the doctor said, 'I don't know.'


'You don't know? You're, a Christian man,

And don't know what's on the other side?'


The doctor was holding the handle of the door;


On the other side came a sound of scratching and whining,



And as he opened the door, a dog sprang into the room


And leaped on him with an eager show of gladness.


Turning to the patient, the doctor said,


'Did you notice my dog?


He's never been in this room before.


He didn't know what was inside.


He knew nothing except that his master was here,


And when the door opened, he sprang in without fear.

I know little of what is on the other side of death,


But I do know one thing...


I know my Master is there and that is enough.'

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb,

and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.



For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab.....................

I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.'

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I'm broke and haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork, cause they cut off my electricity this morning."

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not
produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the
Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which
stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them
were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were
out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards
cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were
scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a
shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves
had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration,
he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of
little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the
broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the
broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door,
yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big
Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a
lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me
to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking
buddy, Paddy.. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their
upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.

As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around
and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back
pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and
looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and
bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and
began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and
stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and
butt...and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Flynn said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Mary said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken
glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing
through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's
all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.